Failure, Failure, and More Failure.

I always debate on whether or not I should make posts about my personal life. As much as I enjoy and love writing about movies and tv shows, I also love shouting into the void also known as the internet.

However, I was recently inspired by Shanna Malcolm’s recent video. I honestly recommend it if you’re in a bit of a funk because it is pretty relatable.

video

My birthday is officially coming up and I will be twenty-four years old. Maybe it’s the timing of becoming a year older, but recently I’ve been in a slump. To give some perspective I finished my BA in English Literature almost a year ago. I finished at the end of the fall semester and I did not feel this huge weight off my shoulders. I’m very much someone who is a late bloomer and I constantly feel like I’m running to try to catch up with my peers. Except I’m out of breath, my knees hurt, and I could use some water. I wasn’t in the best mental space and I was honestly pretty depressed after finishing school. I had some mishaps and had to retake a few courses because I was transfer student. It honestly felt like I was never going to finish school. I was so depressed during my last semester that I didn’t make any plans in terms of possibly going to graduate school because it didn’t seem like an option for me. The original plan was to get a job, save up, and then consider getting an MLS in library and information science. However, months went by and it was really difficult for me to find a job. I was so desperate for a job that I would take anything that I was given.

The first job was okay. I was hired to teach ESL and I was honestly pretty excited. (Even though it was only part-time.) Originally I was told I would teach mostly adult learners and maybe a few children. It was a long hiring process that took about a month until I actually started working. They assigned me to teach two children which wasn’t ideal for me. I only received training to teach adult learners and in all honestly I’m not great with kids. I lose patience easily with them and if I knew beforehand that I would be teaching kids I probably would’ve denied the job. During my time there I was only given one class to teach an adult learner. I wasn’t sure why. I received positive feedback from my observation and I thought I was doing okay teaching the material. I had this horrible gut feeling that as soon as the two children were done with their English lessons they would never call me back. That’s exactly what happened. I had no choice, but to look for another job.

I found the next one rather quickly, but oh boy. I was excited because it was a full-time job. Lord knows I needed the money. However, The original job description did not match what the actual job was like in real life. I knew not-so deep down that I really did not like this job. The description said it was a general office job so one would assume that meant having clerical duties like filing, answering phone calls, and data entry. It was for a small e-commerce business and the actual job was just 8 hours of prepping and packaging items. It was an easy job, but also one that was terribly boring. There was no way to “move up” in the company because it was only one other person working there who did the same thing that I did. I was looking for other work while at this job and often made excuses to leave to go to other job interviews. However, I decided to quit before landing another job. I felt that pesky depression kicking in and oh man did I not care about this job. I knew I would not be able to apply those skills somewhere else. Even though I was getting paid, it genuinely felt like a waste of time.

I was able to get a remote copywriting job, but it is on a “as needed basis,” meaning there’s limited duration period of employment.

I do know a lot of successful people around my age. They have great jobs in a field they studied and you really have to fight off that, “Why can’t that be me?” voice in your head. It’s difficult to watch others succeed knowing that everything you have been trying to accomplish has failed. For the past year, my life has been a constant cycle of planning, attempting said plan, and failing. Sometimes it’s really difficult to fight off any of the negative voices in your head. Sometimes things workout for the best for people and for reasons unknown they don’t for others. Although I feel a bit embarrassed of myself and lack of accomplishments, the best thing to do is move on. As for now, I’m going back to the drawing board. Looking at different certificate programs I could possibly do and of course continue to look for work. It’s important to remember the positives in your life when you’re going through a slump. I have a wonderful family, boyfriend, a home, and an adorable dog. I have the opportunity to reinvent myself and figure out a new path. Please share your own journeys of failure and if you’re happy you went through some slumpy times. Thanks for reading.

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Published by notesfromadork

Hey everyone! Thanks for checking out my website. Like most people I'm really into pop culture and I can be a bit of a dork about it. I like TV shows, movies, the internet, and other nouns.

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